Me: That seems to be a common problem in this class.
Yesterday was conferences, and for the first time since I've been at my school, every single parent in my homeroom wanted a conference. Usually, I give them the option to just swing by and pick up their child's report, and normally at least five parents take that option. I love that option; it's 50 less minutes of conferences and 50 less minutes of trying to either fill time or cut people off before the next conference begins.
Writing progress reports and sitting down for conferences is always a game of Do I or Don't I. It's like those Choose Your Own Adventure books we used to read in the nineties. Do I write that the kid does obnoxious things and cross my fingers that I don't get a wrathful email the next day? Or do I just handle it in my own class, in my own way? Knowing the parents helps this decision. Not knowing them means writing about concerns becomes a game of Russian Roulette. How much will I regret this afterwards?
I didn't have any emails as of leaving work yesterday, but just in case, I've committed myself to not checking my email over the weekend. After the week I had, the last thing I need is to spend 45 minutes carefully crafting a respectful response to a rude and accusatory parent email. Because those happen all the time. Last year, I got this one-liner gem:
You realize you sent this email the morning if the quiz, right? [sic]
No, woman, I didn't realize that because I actually sent it three days ago, trying to be helpful and remind you despite the fact that I've already reminded your kid three times in class and it's in his agenda and it's on my website and he has a study guide in his binder. Also, if you're going to be rude, can you at least spell of right? Thanks.
It turns out that the school-related server I used tends to delay messages for an unpredictable period of time. Once, I sent out a message, and unbeknownst to me, it didn't actually go out until a couple of months later. Thanks, no thanks, Powerschool.
At our school, parent rudeness and accusations are part of the game. Yesterday, I had two parents talk to me about another teacher at the school who was "mean to their kid" or "picking on their kid." One told me about it, and left it at that. One asked me what I thought she should do, but didn't like my answer too much. I think she wanted me to rail on the teacher instead or go talk to him/her. (No way, this isn't Survivor. These are my friends and colleagues.)
Parent 1: (tells me the story of her kid being "picked on") He isn't the only one doing these things, but he's the only one getting punished.
Me: Well, he seems like an honest kid, but you only have one side of the story. Sometimes a kid's perspective of things is not the same as reality.
Parent 1: No, I can tell that he's telling the truth.
Me: I'm not invalidating what you're saying. If I were you, I'd email the teacher, saying "I'm concerned about his behavior in your class, and I'd love to meet with you to find out what's going on." Don't accuse, just find out what's going on.
Parent 2: She said that that's not the way her teacher did it last year, and then the teacher called her up to the board and said [in a sarcastic/biting tone] show me how your teacher did it last year.
Me: Well, your daughter is a pretty sensitive kid, and she doesn't like being wrong in front of others. Regardless of what was said, or in what tone of voice, she gets upset pretty easily when she's not right. That happens when things come easily; the fall is harder. Trust me, I know. It might be good for her to deal with conflict like this now.
If you've ever seen the 1960s to Now school meme (below), I am here to tell you that it is absolutely, unequivocally on point. I was only in fifth grade eighteen years ago, but had I come home and told my parents that my friends and I were goofing off in class, regardless of who got punished, they would've asked why I was goofing off in the first place. Had I come home and said that the teacher was mean to me, they'd essentially tell me to buck up. I'm sure they would've stepped in if something really serious was happening, but me getting fussed at would never have resulted in a nasty email.
And that's the thing. Parents and teachers didn't communicate via email then. Email with teachers is still a relatively new thing, and many people (teachers and parents alike) haven't yet learned how to communicate in a respectful manner. They are emboldened by the lack of a human face or voice on the other end, and they say things they'd never say, or in a way they'd never say, if they were on the phone or sitting at a table. Our social skills desperately need to catch up with our technological ones.
It's not just technology, though. Recently, I found out that years ago, the administration had told one of my fellow teachers that I was "cold" and "dry" and that I "didn't make enough eye contact." (What? I mean, I'm not the most effusive person ever, but what?) They wanted this teacher to talk to me about it. He didn't, because it wasn't his place and it would've likely hurt our relationship as peers. Let me repeat that again, years ago the administration was unhappy with me, but I heard about it yesterday. From my peer. All I've ever gotten from them directly is compliments and accolades. I mean, I was just in the principal's office just a month ago, hearing about how well I was doing.
At least in this country, we seem to be becoming more and more afraid of conflict face-to-face and less and less afraid of virtual conflict. We say nasty things in an email, and then we smile at the person in the hallway. We tell everyone how unhappy we are with someone, except for the person we're actually unhappy with.
I am not exempt from this. I find that I'm fairly willing to face conflict in person, and I am very cognizant of the way I approach disagreements in writing, but I have once or twice gotten into it via email with parents. And I have avoided being honest with a person to bypass the resulting firestorm.
Speaking honestly can be hard, but in a work environment, there's an added financial risk. I'm happy to face a peer and talk through a conflict, but disagreeing with your boss is a totally different thing. Speaking out always requires a prior self-reflection, How likely is this going to get me fired? How much do I need this job?
It shouldn't be that way. A workplace should be an open community, where people feel free to speak honestly, so long as they do so respectfully. We teachers can't necessarily change how the administration operates, though, so we're forced to think smaller. We have to change how we interact with each other, with parents, and with our students. We have to model good communication in our every day encounters.
It's like Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in those horrid people who keep sending you mean emails."
Just makes me glad I'm not in IT or customer service.
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