This week's post was about the Imposter Syndrome, which it describes as a tendency in some successful people to doubt themselves to self-detrimental effect. (If you want to read the post, check it out HERE.) What's most interesting about it is that this syndrome is found primarily in successful women and those who perceive themselves to be outsiders. Women, it says, "consistently underestimate themselves at work and school." Personally, I know it's true. I see women around me constantly second-guessing themselves and feeling buried under what they perceive to be the secret of their success: luck.
I was definitely like this for a long time, and I still battle it occasionally. It didn't happen so much in school. I was pretty sure my success was a direct result of my intelligence and hard work. But in teaching, sometimes I'll do something successful and think, "Well, that probably won't work again." Or, "Phew, thank goodness I got through that." Even when it's a well-organized, well-developed lesson.
The hardest part of teaching can often be seeing my female students doubting themselves and their success. Back when I used to teach math, girls were my focus. I wanted to show them that math wasn't just for boys. That they, too, could be engineers and mathematicians and work at the highest levels of a STEM field. When a girl would tell me she was going to be an engineer, I would cheer! When my girls got the best grades in the class, I cheered! Because on their own, they would turn to a neighbor and repeat a claim consistently shown to be untrue: I'm just not good at math. Anxiety reigns in girls in math, even in elementary school, and it's silly. They're no worse off than the boys. They're just insane and unable to admit to themselves how talented they are and how hard they've worked.
In my own life, Impostor Syndrome hits me hardest in dating. When Eric Barker wrote about the syndrome in his post this week, he didn't really focus on relationships, but a lot of self-doubt comes through in that. Don't believe me? You obviously haven't been reading this blog very closely up to this point (which is okay--I'm not accusing you...you do you). Every time something good happens, I assume there's something bad around the corner. Every time something bad happens, I think, "Yep, that's about right."
For the record, this is called pessimism or sometimes a "fixed mindset." Neither of which are good.
When B broke up with me more than two months ago (wow, time flies), I fell into relationship self-doubt pretty hard. Pretty hard to the point that I started to question really important and central parts of myself. Have you ever seen the move Inside Out? If you haven't, it's about this girl who moves to a new city, and as everything she thinks she knows about herself and her family starts to fall apart, she gets sad in a big way. She nearly falls into depression. In the movie, a person's personality is connected to a series of "Islands" that represent the most important parts of them: Friendship Island, Goofball Island, Hockey Island, Family Island, etc. Well, a month ago, that movie was me, and my islands were crumbling. My Friendship Island suffered in the biggest way. Did my friends really like me? Did they talk badly about me when I wasn't around? Was I a good friend? Did I talk too much? Was I condescending? I was spiraling in to the kind of self-doubt the movie portrays, the kind of self-doubt found in the Impostor Syndrome.
Not to worry, though. I'm a resilient gal. While my "Relationship Island" is still under massive construction, I finally gave up on worrying about my friendships. These people wouldn't invite me to things and go out of their way to talk to me if they didn't like me. And for that matter, if they don't like me, well then good riddance! No point in wasting time on a friendship that doesn't make both of us better off.
Not every one jumps off the Impostor boat that quickly, though. For some people, it lasts years, decades, even lifetimes. If you know someone who suffers from the Impostor Syndrome in a big way, check out that blog post I linked earlier, read it for yourself, and then send it to that person with a note that says:
You're insane.
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